Sunflowers and Acacia

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

I'm sorry.

Now, if only I could go say that to his face...

Hey Miya-chan. I was just wondering if I could ask you a favour?

So, the camping trip lasted two weeks. No one told me that and I ended up washing my clothes in a pond to stay fresh and clean. XD And I've spent the last two weeks at Hiroki's. >.> Probably should have mentioned that to someone, actually. At least there was a washing machine there? Well, across the street, but I digress. On the bright side, it's been an amazing trip. Lots of snuggling under the stars. Call me a sentimental sap but it was gorgeous. And... maybe things will work out. Maybe I'm just pessimistic. I feel entitled to my pessimism in this instance.


I've only been at his so long because I started feeling a bit bad about not telling Jyou how long I was going to be gone. I know it's silly, but the longer I put something off, the more I manage to convince myself to put it off more. Then it just becomes a vicious circle. AND it was his damn birthday.  I was away for his birthday! How much of a crap roommate am I? His present is still sat in my wardrobe. I hope he can forgive me. T_T I'll have to surprise him at that beach party thing. Thank God he doesn't make his posts private.

You'd think I haven't slept in a few days. Aside from my course and work, I've done nothing but sleep.

<3

I'll be unavailable for a week or so, guys, except via text possibly because I'm going camping! Don't you miss the good old days of sleeping under the digital stars? Some of my classmates set it up and I'm dragging Hiroki, so how could I resist?

The beach was amazing, we need to do that again soon!

Someone keep track of everything and tell me what I missed when I get back!

How are things going with Michael-san?

士やも 空しくあるべき 万代に 語り継ぐべき 名は立てずして

Should anyone who calls himself a man idle his time away and die in obscurity, without having established a renown that should live on people's lips for all ages?

~ By Yamanoue Okura and from Man'yōshū (poem 6-978).

Interesting question. My lecturer posed it on us today and no one really answered. I guess most people don't want to admit they want to establish a renown and be remembered for all time.

Personally, I think that as long as you've lead a good life and loved with all your heart, done all you can, then you've done enough. But that's just me.

In other news, I need to pick a subculture for focus on my next project (which starts in a month). The only catch? We'll have to spend the month literally living the fashion. It can't be what we usually wear. So I'm kind of stuck. Call me shallow but I don't want to run around looking like a complete idiot. I'm interested in Classic Lolita but I'm not sure about it - there's so many offshoots that stumbling into one would probably be too easy. And I'd look ridiculous in Sweet Lolita clothing. Kogal scares me a little bit, I have to be honest. Maybe punk? Or even steampunk (but then I'd probably be accused of going into Lolita again - like I said, too much crossing over >.<).

Ladies? And fashion-concious gentlemen?

HELP.

Either the Nara period or Victorian England. I don't really know why for either. They're just the two I think of when I consider the question. Go figure.

"I think," said Miriam, "if you treat them with reverence you don't do them any harm. It is the spirit you pluck them in that matters."

~ Sons and Lovers, Chapter 9, by D. H. Lawrence.

For some reason, that quote resounds with me. I've never thought about plucking flowers before - after all, Mother kills plants for a living and as an art form, something beautiful and creative - but I guess this could apply to almost anything.

It is the spirit in which you do something that matters.

Doesn't that sound noble? It could almost justify anything. I did this with the best of intentions, the purest of spirit, the ideal dream in my heart and head. But the problem, I suppose, is that people's ideas of what constitutes the best of intentions differs with every new face in the street and so no one will ever come to an agreement on what truly means you've done what's right. I know that one person can say “I did this because it seemed noble”, but that won't be the same definition for everyone. What I think is noble and what Hiroki thinks is noble, for example, might be extreme opposites.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it, thinking too hard. That's easy enough to do. I have been a lot lately.

Hiroki sent me the lyrics to this song - Ion Square by Bloc Party. It's beautiful. <3

Should I be happy or scared? I don't know any more. He's sweet though.

Bloody younger Destined and their complicated bloody lives.

I'm half expecting a phonecall from Tai and Kou to tell me they accidentally got married now. Seriously.

I regret saying nothing happened. DAMN YOU KARMA.

I miss the days when I was just a kid. ;.;

...From misery to happiness today! Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh! Jyou, I hate you for leaving the radio on. It's stuck in my head now!l

So. Yeah. Party. Brilliant! Okay I don't remember most of it, but shut up. And what was with the cake?!

Life is... life? I don't know, it's not been that interesting lately. I mean, apart from the birthdays (Happy birthday, guys! Please tell me I have already said that before now?) and Iori (welcome back, love), nothing's really happened, you know? Sort of a case of getting up, going to uni, going home to change, go to work, go home to sleep... Rinse and repeat. Not that there's anything wrong with having a completely normal life – it's great! I'm just... a bit bored. Ha.

I know what I need. I'm going to the cinema later, anyone wanna come with? I'll be at the usual at about 4.30, if you wanted to so just meet me there or something. Going to go see Watchmen, because I heard it's really good and I want to find out! And... Yeah. XD

Miyako came round the other day. Won't say I'm not a bit sad Iori didn't come too, I was looking forward to seeing her... But oh well. It was nice! Dinner, ice cream, bad films. The usual girly stuff. We saved some dinner for Jyou, who I've not seen much again lately. Our schedules clash, you'd think we'd see more of each other when we live together but we really see less these days!

And... yeah, I'm done. Going to go do some work on my portfolio now! Yeah, I know. I have a portfolio! And one day, I'll actually leave uni with a degree in something because I stuck to it. Oops?

JYOU IS EATING ALL MY ICE CREAM!

Okay, so he paid for a lot of ice cream for me, so he deserves it, but still. It's triple chocolate! *whines*

I'm starting to suspect living with me and having Miyako around is having an ill effect on him, as he actually WANTS to watch my chick flicks and eat my ice cream so he can stop thinking about how much his hand hurts. Of course I have to scoop the stuff and put the film on... It's just that... well, this is all fairly girly. I'm starting to wonder if he's gay. (You know something? It's nice that he can't type back at the moment, 'cause he can only have a go at me verbally, and that I can tune out! XD I could say anything I wanted...)

I really wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't my ice cream. I mean, he's actually got good taste. We've watched 10 Things I Hate About You and The Notebook, which are fantastic films, and we're going to put Pretty Woman on. I might suggest Emma later on.

Okay, calmer. Slightly hungover, but calmer. And, you know, actually thinking about the entire Miyako thing. I just can't fathom the idea that it's brought on by stress - I know she has been stressed, but it seems like such a drastic manifestation of things... Almost too much? Or maybe it is just stress, I've seen what some people get like when they're feeling the pressure...

I just hope she's alright, 'cause... well, it's not exactly something we can help with, is it? Medicine, psychiatrists, hospitals - that's what helps with this sort of thing. We can support her and hug her and encourage her, but is that really enough?

I suppose it's going to have to be.

I wonder how Hawkmon's coping with it...

Miya's schizophrenic. She thinks.

SHE THINKS.

What the hell? That's not the sort of thing you can misdiagnose, is it? Or even miss? She seemed alright whenever she came over, maybe a little quiet but... Schizophrenic?

I'm stuck on this point.

Isn't schizophrenia dangerous? Or a genetic thing? Surely it can't just be brought on by stress? Does this mean she's going to be a danger to people? I don't think we can help with this one. That would be sod's law, wouldn't it - save the world and the Digiworld, be struck down by insanity. I am so confused right now, and she wants me to not panic? Not freak out?

Um, no.

Pacing seems like a really good idea right now. And a tub of ice cream. Maybe two tubs. And that bottle of wine hidden in the back of the cupboard... In fact I might just go to a bar... Really very tempting to pretend she didn't tell me that, especially not online... Well, I suppose it's better than telling me to my face - she'd probably be a little bit upset over how I'm reacting right now. I want to give her a hug. Not that it would help, but you know...

Before I begin, Jyou is hovering around behind me and would like to apologise for not updating because he's an idiot and managed to break two of his fingers in a car door. Only now he seems incapable of doing anything and while yes I AM grateful for all the errands you've done in the last few weeks, but honestly, you still have one good hand! You can open the fridge door! (He's got a sling. Why does he need a sling? I think he's trying to explain it to me, but I don't really get it. If your hand is broken, you don't try to use it. I'm sure you'd be very conscious of the fact it was broken!)

I need to get back into my reading, I miss it but I've been too busy lately. Any recommendations before I pick up whichever book catches my eye?

Yes, Miya, I chickened out of breaking up with Ren again. So sue me. How are you supposed to say "We're over" to someone when they've just said that they love you? He has a sixth sense on this matter, honestly. Whenever I get up the courage to do it, he does something to make me reconsider.

Work has gone on a bit of a downhill slop in terms of excitement, but everywhere has its peaks and valleys. At least the place is cleaner than it's ever been. The boss is planning some theme nights, which should be fun (especially since I get to help make the costumes; it's cheaper for us to do it, and Emi's doing textiles!), and it means I get to play dress up!  Always fun.

Anyway, I need to have a look over the themes and pick which ones I think sound best, and then I need to sleep, so I'll catch you all soon okay? Jyou says night, too. 

I know everyone else has pretty much exclaimed the same thing, but... where has the time gone? I mean it, I could have sworn it was still March! Of course, that WOULD mean I was still doing coursework... Maybe I do prefer it being August instead.

*deep breath* So! How's everyone been? I've seen Miya a lot more than I used to, it's been great fun, but I need to buy some new DVDs. I'm running out of girly films, we might have to start on the horrors soon, else we'll be rewatching! And I need to go to the gym, I've eaten way too much ice cream these last few months... (Thank you, Jyou, for being so kind and going to get it for us. How much do I owe you now?) I've been spending a fair bit of time out and about, now, too, rather than shut up in my room. I think that does the world of good, don't you?

I started dating the new guy at work, Ren (oh yeah – guys! There's three new people at work – Ren, Emi and Hiroki. Emi's really quiet, but I think that was just nerves – she actually smiled the other day! And Hiroki's very much like Tai, so I'm not entirely sure if I'm worried about that or not...). He's really sweet and everything, but... I don't know, I don't think we're going to work out. He has no sense of romance. He's a little bit antisocial, even if he is really nice, and he's a bit of a cheapskate... I don't want him going out and spending all his money, but a bunch of flowers isn't going to kill him, is it? So I'm throwing it out there – what happened to romance?

Oh yeah – Jyou, don't pretend you didn't enjoy your birthday! (You know he was going to stay in and read? Or study? He had a book in his hand, he was threatening something to do with reading! There's something wrong with you...) It's not like the club is a bad place, either... The regulars are really friendly (some a little too friendly – I'm so glad I took my camera! *g*) and he isn't a bad dancer, really (yes, you did dance. On the bar. It was classic!). I know a few people who'd love it if you showed them... Who votes Jyou dances for us next time we meet up? Meems – we're leaving the kareoke to you from now on. A good voice, I do not have. And Jyou's not much better.

Enough of that. I'm sure it's boring. Is someone really arranging a meet up? Are you all going to show? :D

The doctor says there should have been a marked improvement with the last drug he had me on, burpropion, but if I'm honest it really made things worse. I'd been having suicidal thoughts, yeah, but they became more frequent and my mood swings have been pretty hostile. It's a good thing that I don't see Jyou that often - though he just assumes that, when I am down, I'm just annoyed at him over the computer thing, which is a relief.

So yeah, now I'm on tranylcypromine (I like that end bit, promine... It sounds nice?) and lithium, which is a booster by the sounds of it. The doctor tried to explain but it was a little over my head. I mean, I'm not stupid and I do know some biology but this was... entirely another level. >_> The sort of thing everyone else just goes "Wha?" and leaves alone like it's an elephant in the corner of the room. The doctor says I should start to notice a difference in about two or three weeks, but I have to change my diet now too. I can't eat tofu (which is pretty much a staple food for me), or cheese, or coffee (how do they expect me to get up in the morning?) or peanuts, among other things. But I'm allergic to those anyway, so it doesn't matter. Or alcohol, of course. I can't take a lot of cold medicines too, and with the new season coming up... I think I'm a little screwed. Just a little, though.

Bah, someone just shoot me. Surely it would be a lot easier?

God, have I really not been around here since January? I'm really sorry guys! Things have just been... hectic? I don't think that's the right word. Chaotic, perhaps? Yeah, probably more like it.

Jyou broke the computer. -_-;; Which is kind of astounding, really, because I always pegged him for the kind of person who'd be too scared of taking a drink of any kind near the computer. (Can you tell we're STILL not home at the same time, really?) But hey, Miya's fixed it (I promised you some good chocolate for that, I will make good on that promise!) so all is good. Or, all works. ^_^ Same difference, really.

And we still don't have a car. Because we really can't decide. Although, I do have to admit Jyou's car is starting to seem appealing to me, partly because of this incident on the trains (I'll mention it in a moment) and it would look really nice in red or yellow...

My projects have just been spiralling out of control again, and I really don't know if I have time to finish them. I have a lot of reading to do, which is mostly happening while travelling (and then yesterday, the day of utter disaster, I fell asleep while reading The Phantom of the Opera and woke up at the last stop on the line. -_-;; I wasn't amused), and everything is just... blah! I'm going to buy some really smelly bath bombs and soak for a few hours. Lavender, maybe one of those glittery ones... (I promise to clean out the bath when I'm done, Jyou, don't worry.)

My leg popped out of place a few weeks ago and I didn't notice till I went to move, and it popped back into place? ^_^;; That's how preoccupied I've been. It really hurt for a few days. >_>

Anyway, I really can't think of what else there is to say except I miss you guys and I promise to try and get more... I don't know, I'll try to stay in touch more often. ^_^

Hey hun, how're you doing? 

You seemed a bit down on Saturday. I'm sorry I haven't had the chance to check back up on you till now, things have been... busy. I have a lot bit of spare time now so if you ever want to come over and just munch on ice cream or something, the offer's there. 

How's things going on the ports? I know you said you had a temporary solution; has it worked? Why do I feel like something bad is going to come of this?

Huh.

I went to see the doctor today, another head cold. He... wasn't very happy to see me back again. I've been down there a lot lately. Always headaches and being sick. I thought it was just a funny period or something... Anyway he started asking me a load of questions and suddenly I was blurting out how much I hate my mother and how weird things are amongst my friends, how worried I am about everyone (and I think, perhaps, I may have mentioned Biyomon, but he made no comment - he probably thinks I'm just referring to a friend) and how I actually contemplated walking out in front of a car the other day, just to see if it would hurt that bad.

Um, yeah. 

He's put me on antidepressants. Nothing heavy, but all the same... I guess it kind of explains a lot. He said he wants me to go talk to someone too, he doesn't want it getting worse or something. I don't really remember, it's a bit of a scary thought to be honest about it. He even signed me off work and university for two weeks. I don't see how this is going to help lower my stress; I mean, I'll be two weeks behind on my coursework, how is that supposed to destress me? And I'm not even going into how worried I am about these damn ports! I'm scared something bad is going to happen if Kou and Miya fiddle with them too much...

I don't know whether or not to tell anyone. I mean, I don't have to, but I think I'd feel kind of bad not telling my parents or Jyou (especially as he may see them lying around if I'm clumsy).

...I won't tell anyone yet. I mean, it'll probably just make someone worry (oh my god, what would Jyou be like? He's paranoid enough as it is!) and no one needs that right now.

...Someone wake me up when this is all over.